It’s been 6 months since we all moved back in together. It felt like things were better at first, but now they’re treading the same course as before. I think about going back, but am intimidated by the cost, and the loneliness. I know we’ve turned into one of those ‘stay together for the kids’ couples, which makes sense and works for now. What’s unpredictable is how many years are going to be spent this way.
Anyway, this is all personal dirty laundry stuff to air, but it’s my blog to air it on. So enjoy the stink!
I avoid getting too sentimental about my children, but since today was Mothers Day in the USA and all, I’ll just go ahead and say it…
My kids are the most magnificent, sweet, kind, and funny little humans I know.
Half the time it feels like I’m making this whole parenting thing up as I go along. The other half I look on in amazement at these three children I’m responsible for and think, “what did I do to deserve anything as wonderful as you three in my life?”
They bring so much joy to me and those who love them. There are days I feel rather useless, when I wonder what purpose I have on earth, but on days like today when it hits me like a sack of bricks how important it is to be the best possible Mother I can be for them – to raise them to be loving, conscientious adults – well, I don’t feel quite as useless anymore.
I would like to keep up with cooking, but I’ve had to step back for trivial reasons. Last week, the last contact lens of my higher-strength prescription tore, so I’ve been walking around blind the past several days and have little motivation to do much of anything while life is blurry. I tried to send a re-order into 1-800-Contacts but they couldn’t fulfill the order due to my prescription being out of date, so it’s either schedule an appointment with a new optometrist and take weeks to be seen – when will I have the time to do this with three young children?!? When??? Or, now I must wait until the contacts I ordered online through an international place come in. It’s so silly. I know my prescription… -5000 for near-sightedness…that may be an exaggeration, but close enough, so whyyyyyy can’t I just order them and have them shipped direct?
One of the things I’d like to accomplish with surrogacy compensation (yes, I’ll talk about this controversial issue in another surrogacy post) is get mother*&#cking LASIK surgery. It would be amazing to wake up and SEE. I’ve been wearing glasses or contacts for almost 20 years now. I’ve been nervous about the procedure but I think I’m ready to just get it done with.
Feeling all warm and fuzzy after a midnight wake up with my 4.5 month old. After nursing him and letting him fall back asleep in my arms, he reached out for my hand to hold. It was the sweetest thing as he gave mine a squeeze as if he was communicating, “Mommy, I love you. I trust you. Thank you, Mama.” Oh my heart!
I will get asked the question, “why surrogacy, Helen?”. And while I have multiple reasons and answers, one big one is knowing there is another Mommy out there who now has a little boy to squeeze his hand and tell him, “you are safe and you are loved.” And there is no better feeling in the whole world.